How to Cope With Your Preschooler's Tantrums

As parents, we’ve all dealt with temper tantrums in our children. Often, they begin as early as 2 years old with nonstop crying and sometimes last until the tween and teen years in their own hormonal ways. However, between the ages of 4 and 6, many parents deal with a special kind of tantrum that may be laced with anger and explosive behavior. How can you cope with your preschooler’s tantrums?

What causes tantrums?

“During the preschool years, children are developing emotional regulation skills,” said Lauren Soberon, PhD, a local licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Haile Village.

“They are learning to manage bigger emotions and have greater awareness of context and experience more frustration with expectations that are not met. This very often ends up looking like anger, even in the form of temper tantrums. This is normal and to be expected.”

Learning to manage these complex emotions is a common reason why these tantrums take place in preschoolers. There may be certain triggers that are occurring in their lives like divorce or a death in the family. Additionally, medical and psychological conditions like Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), anxiety, autism, learning disabilities or sensory processing disorders can also cause tantrums, according to the Child Mind Institute.

While these tantrums and spouts of anger may be normal due to their age or condition, it’s imperative that parents deal with this behavior immediately.

“If left untreated, behavioral problems in childhood can make it harder for kids to succeed in school and increase their risk for mental health problems, physical illness and substance misuse later in life,” according to the American Psychological Association.

Understanding your preschooler’s tantrums

It is important during this developmental period to help children learn effective strategies to emotionally self-regulate. This can certainly be a challenge because emotional self-regulation is a skill many adults haven’t fully mastered, Soberon said.

Soberon recommends three main areas to educate our children:

1) naming emotions, 2) developing skills and 3) learning empathy and perspective taking.

Naming emotions

One of the most important ways to educate our children is to help them understand and put into words what they are feeling. “Encouraging children to name their feelings doesn’t necessary change the feeling, but it helps them feel a greater sense of autonomy,” she said.

Developing skills

“Skills that can assess with emotional self-regulation include relaxation techniques, reduction of excessive and unnecessary sensory stimuli and helping children learn to slow themselves down,” Soberon said.

Learning empathy

The preschool age is the first time that children are really able to develop a sense of empathy for others. It is a perfect opportunity to begin helping them understand the concept of perspective and encouraging them to take a moment and look outside of their own perspective to help them, possibly mitigating their personal emotional experience.

“External factors, which can also contribute to greater expressions of anger or temper tantrums, include excessive screen time and/ or lack of appropriate physical activity and lack of consistency with routines, such as meals, wake time and bedtime,” Soberon said. “Children thrive with stable routines, and this can also help them achieve a greater sense of autonomy that can work to reduce overall frustration.”

How can we cope?

So, we can better understand how to teach our children important life skills to combat tantrums — but how do we deal with those outbursts in the moment? The Child Mind Institute recommends staying calm and not shouting or engaging with your child’s anger, not giving into a child’s cause of your preschooler’s tantrums and ignoring nonviolent tantrums as much as possible.

“Young children often throw tantrums because they want something but don’t know how to get it,” according to the American Psychological Association. “Try holding your child’s hands and taking deep breaths together. Tell your child: ‘You’re feeling a little angry right now and so am I. Let’s both take some deep breaths to help us calm down, so we can figure out what’s going on.’”

Time outs can work for younger than 7 or 8 if they are consistent, according to the Child Mind Institute. “Time outs for nonviolent misbehavior can work well with children. When using time outs, be sure to be consistent with them and balance them with other, more positive forms of attention.”

It is not recommended to ignore violent tantrums as a child can hurt themselves and others.

“If aggressive behavior persists, parents can seek counsel from a mental health center or evidence-based parent training program to learn more about the distinction between normal behavior and a pattern that could be problematic,” according to the American Psychological Association.

The bottom line

With your preschooler’s tantrums, it is important as a parent to be able to differentiate from what is normal and expected and what becomes problematic and possibly clinical, Soberon said.

“One thing to be thinking about is as you implement new strategies: ‘is it moving my child in a better direction or is it making no difference?’” she said. “If there is no difference than this is typically a sign that you might want to consult with your pediatrician about your concerns.”

Psychologists, other mental healthcare professionals and occupational therapists can also be especially helpful, Soberon said. Your pediatrician can refer you to the appropriate practitioners. Experts may recommend cognitive behavioral therapy for both child and family, parental or caregiver training sessions, and other educational programs.

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